But I threw a wrench in it.
Every so often I get needy for her to accept me exactly as am, kink and all. Things have been going so well that I thought surely she had new perspective on our relationship, that she loves me not despite my kinkiness, but because of it. The realization that she probably never will sent me into a tailspin and left me a wreck in the bathroom, feeling a universe away from where she laid sleeping one wall over.
Due reasons that are not relevant here, we currently have no mirrors up, and it's a good thing, because I'm not sure I could stand looking at myself at the moment. Self pity is so fucking unbecoming.
It was only later that I realize it cuts both ways, like most things do: I love her despite the fact that she's not the least bit kinky. Fuck it.
I can relate to your feeling of going into a tailspin. This happens to me as well in a situation where the two 'realities' don't seem to be able to coexist. I need to be accepted, kinks and all. She cannot accept some of my kinks. At one level these two things cannot both happen. With some work and some open minded communication we can use find a single 'reality' that works for both of us. Absent that I tend to ruminate and can quickly go in to a tailspin like you describe. It is not pretty.
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I feel your pain, I really do. That said...
ReplyDeleteI don't think you love someone in spite of or because of their kinks (or anything else). You love them because of who they are and you take the whole package. Is Ab a perfect man? Absolutely not. But I don't love him because of his imperfections or in spite of them--I love him because he's Ab and those little imperfections (or perhaps we should call them quirks to be more positive) make him who he is.
You have young children. They are at the age where they love you unconditionally. Learn from them--I certainly learned a lot about love from my children. They are good teachers and they don't even know it!
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Going through the same tailspin the last couple of days. Hope I can break out of it soon. Really puts a damper on the holidays.
ReplyDeleteAtone and Dev, thank you. My kinks have always been a source of tension for us. We're still struggling after all these years to reach some sort of understanding.
ReplyDeleteUnconditional love is a pretty high standard. To tell you the truth, it makes me uncomfortable -- unconditional love between you and your children is a given, but can it really exist between two adults? It probably points to a major personality flaw that I have to ask such a thing.
Robert, thank you also for your comment. I'm sorry that you are also having a rough time. It can be made to work. It has to work, actually, as I refuse to be unhappy (most of the time).