The thrill is gone
The nights are cold
For love is old...
-- Patrica Barber
What struck me during our recent break from chastity play was how flat everything felt eventually. Life consisted of work, more work, kids, sleep, a wank or two. Repeat. The break didn't start out that way of course; Lucy and I skated the afterglow for a few days and we had a few orgasms together, and even had a few times when I came and she didn't, and I admit it felt great after being denied for so long. But the balance was fragile, and all it took was a bit of stress (work for me, kids for her) and we quickly retreated into our own world. When I needed some satisfaction, and that's every day -- it's a stress response -- it was much easier to masturbate than to engage Lucy. And Lucy, well, she's the one with the kids all day and that can pretty much consume her.
It all came to a head when I spent 14+ hours one weekend watching all four NFL match-ups, by myself. No offense to football fans, but those are 14 hours I'll never get back. And no, I'm not peeved because of the Patriots disaster (fake punt near mid-field, with less than 2 minutes to go in the half, trailing 7-3? Really?). I like my sports, but in moderation. I only go on a couch-potato bender when I'm in the doldrums and can't be motivated to do anything even mildly useful.
So I started slipping back into the device and easing back into chastity, even though I knew I had a business trip coming up where I couldn't bring the Steelheart along. I had one last big hurray -- actually a few -- those nights alone in the hotel, and when I came home that burning desire to be locked was back in full force. That was last Saturday night, not coincidentally, when I started posting again, both this blog and on the forums.
Now a few days later, I can feel my mindset changing, on my way to Dev's Chastity Nirvana. (BTW, I can never see Nirvana without also thinking Smells Like Teen Spirit. OK, so that dates me. I don't care.) It really amazes me that I can hack my emotional state like this, with just a bit of metal between my legs.
I can't wait to go down on Lucy.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Strictly Female/One Sexuality
I've been obsessed with the defunct blog, Strictly Female, for sometime now. It was written by someone who called herself Bridgette, who took it offline in early 2008. The blog apparently caused a minor ripple in certain corners of the interweb, remnants of which can still be detected if you go looking. Bridgette still surfaces occasionally, most recently as Brigget in the comments to this entry of the Male Chasity Blog, where she talks about her "One Sexuality" concept:
Not only do I deny him his physical pleasure, I also deny the existence of his sexuality in our relationship. In our relationship there exists only one sexuality that we explore and that is mine. He is not allowed to have one. For example, if he says he is horny, I would say that is my arousal he is feeling and he needs to come over and caress me and make me come when he feels that way. He needs to use me to express his sexuality. I even want him to be able to feel it in him when I come.
(Emphasis mine. Her entire comment, and the back-and-forth, is worth reading. If nothing else, it's hot.)
Most people will consider One Sexuality rather extreme, but is it really that different from "MC" as practiced by members of the Key Held blogs? For a lot of us, MC is not part of a Femdom or FLR arrangement. MC is just that -- Male Chastity, meaning no masturbation, no orgasm, with sex centered around her pleasure and her orgasm. And this might go on for weeks or months, or maybe even a year and beyond. Sometimes there is tease & denial, but in some MC relationships there is no T&D, and this is where the line with One Sexuality starts to blur.
I personally find the One Sexuality notion kind of romantic. Is it workable long term? Does the mere act of entertaining such a relationship, thinking that it can go beyond fantasy, mean that I'm just a wanabe wanker who has no grasp of reality?
It totally sucks that I wasn't paying attention in late 2007/early 2008 when Strictly Female was up, so I didn't get to read any of the blog. (I was a sleep deprived new parent at the time.) I did though recently come across some snippets on Saratoga's blog, here and here and here and here and here.
I'm reproducing them here, because, well, I'm obsessed. Please read Saratoga's entries for his inline comments.
First some highlights:
"I want the relationship to be about my sexuality only. I want to, in fact, have only one sexuality exist in our marriage. A female sexuality. My sexuality is what the entire relationship is about. If a sexuality is going to be explored, it is mine. If a sexuality is going to be pleasured, it is mine. If he wants to express his sexual feelings and frustrations and fantasies then he has to do it by expressing them through my sexual explorations. His constant sexual frustration simply doesn’t exist in our relationship. The feelings of frustration and constant arousal certainly exist in his body behind his chastity belt, but I refuse to allow them any expression in our marriage."
"When my husband sits between my legs and licks me, he is worshiping at the temple of this power and I teach him to let my female sexuality flow through him. When I cum, I want him to feel my ecstasy in his body. I want him to feel as one with my sexuality for that moment."
Wow. Who cares if it was a real blog? She can really write.
And as found on Saratoga's blog:
"I met a submissive man when I was in my early thirties and we saw each other for a little over a year before we got married. But, before we were married I made legal arrangements to my advantage and had my husband sign marriage vows spelling out in an open ended but binding way what I expected in our marriage. I wrote the vows to express and define what I expected of my submissive husband and what he could expect from me, his dominant wife.
In his vows, I wrote that he would promise to worship, serve and obey his wife while being denied any sexuality of his own, until death do us part. I promised to be his wife for as long as he worshiped, served and obeyed me and vowed to explore my sexuality freely and without limit while denying his."
"It takes a lot of conditioning and discipline (read whip) to reach this state of one sexuality. It takes a long time for a man to stop thinking only about how horny he feels. It takes a long time for a man to learn how to project his frustration into his female partner's body. But, it does eventually happen, because the chastity belt is relentless."
"He also has a very unusual stainless steel plug up his ass and locked in right now. I'm told the new design which has a longer shaft before it tapers out is much more easily tolerated and can be worn for more extended periods. The training plugs I got from them are huge for even my standards and there isn't anything even remotely close to medium in the whole kit. I really am not sure I will be able to work my poor little slut up to the largest plug or not. It might take a lot of nights strapped into the fucking machine to get him loose enough for the largest plug. But, what the heck, I ruined his poor little sphincter years ago. He is as loose as a porno star now."
"I finished my drink while I checked out the men watching me. I really wasn't wearing anything too unusual. I had on a black short leather mini skirt and black stockings. High black boots and a open front white blouse with a high collar. My blouse came down almost to the bottom of my skirt. My hair was up and I was wearing and playing with my glasses. I wasn't wearing anything that bad, just a little strict looking, maybe.
There is a certain kind of man that is so into this look and I can often spot them in a group like this. I'm always kind of looking for new prospects and I often men come up and give me their cards. But, I'm looking for that somewhat shy professional that can't top staring at me and often I have to approach him. That's the type of business card that I hunt for. I give the cards to Susan and she starts the ball rolling. You would be surprised how many of these submissive professional types will follow through when Susan calls and explains what she would expect of them.
Seeing no one interesting enough to entangle, I called my husband's cell and told him I was out front and hung up. I met him at the front desk and gave him a package and told him to go to the men's room, put it on and return to me quickly with the key. I smiled, told him to meet me in the bar and I walked off.
When he came into the bar he saw I was sitting at the bar patting the seat of the bar stool next to me. I saved him a nice, hard, wood stool. Of course, the purpose of sitting at the bar is that it forces him to sit right over the plug on the hard wood stool. Also, he can't squirm and be too obvious in the crowded bar or he will draw attention to his predicament. He comes over and kisses me and settles gently onto the stool. I smile deviously at him knowing that the plug is firmly pushed all the way into him."
"Just got back from a long drive from Toronto. My husband has been staying there for the last 7 weeks while I was away for a while staying with friends down in the state.
The new belt has worked so well that I have been able to keep him from even seeing his penis for over 5 months. He says he is having some mental issues that are making him worry because he is feeling brainwashed and is worried because he hasn't seen himself for so long. He thinks he is feeling disoriented. I just laugh at him. What did he think I was all about all of those years. I just never found the right chastity belt to do completely for me what this new belt does. It makes his sex go away."
"The most cruel and devious thing I do to my husband is that I let Adonis fuck his ass while Susan and I go upstairs to unwind. I figure Adonis fucked me. I want my husband to be totally in sync with how I feel. He really does hate this because he is no queer and it really fucks with his head. But, that is one of the prices I exact from him when I think he needs it."
"So we drove to Toronto 7 weeks ago so they could take the rivets out. This is where they originally put this belt on him over the last summer. I told him we could go back to Toronto to have the belt removed. What I didn't tell him was that it was going to be removed because I wanted to see if they would try a new and better belt my friend told me they had designed. So, I left him up there with my friend at The House so he could be fitted. They had him for 7 weeks of pure hell. I also had some work done on his tattoo which runs under his crotch and up his back. Such a thing can ever be finished. And, while he was there they did another laser hair removal on him. For those of you reading this that have your slut in a belt, it is that time of year to wax and shave him for the winter. I gave up on that a long time ago and had laser hair removal done on my slave, but it has to be done over many times and I don't know if it is ever 100% forever. But, I would say that he is at about 97% after probably 8-10 sessions over the years."
"I can tell you from experience that when a person is kept in a chastity belt and is not allowed any physical expression of their sexuality, not even verbal expression, they become very obsessed with the one that controls them. This is the state that I plan on keeping my husband in for a very long time. This is the power and the energy and the magic that is created in our marriage.
When my husband sits between my legs and licks me, he is worshiping at the temple of this power and I teach him to let my female sexuality flow through him. When I cum, I want him to feel my ecstasy in his body. I want him to feel as one with my sexuality for that moment."
"But, I do want to say that if you don't believe this, then wear a chastity belt month after month and when your Mistress walks into the room clad in leather wearing high boot with a whip in her hand, then try and tell me that you can't feel her sexuality and the power she has over you. Then try and tell me that you don't want to only please her and to feel her sexuality fill your body and mind completely. Then try and tell me that when you make her cum that you don't feel her ecstasy. Then, you will understand why my husband is obsessed with the unrestricted exploration of my sexuality while I deny him his."
"When I walk into the room I want them to feel my sexuality fill every inch of it. I want my partners to clear their minds of their sexual needs and desires and concentrate on my sexuality. I want them to meditate on my sexuality and bring it into their bodies and feel it with me.
Not only do I deny him his physical pleasure, I also deny the existence of his sexuality in our relationship. In our relationship there exists only one sexuality that we explore and that is mine. He is not allowed to have one. For example, if he says he is horny, I would say that is my arousal he is feeling and he needs to come over and caress me and make me come when he feels that way. He needs to use me to express his sexuality. I even want him to be able to feel it in him when I come.
(Emphasis mine. Her entire comment, and the back-and-forth, is worth reading. If nothing else, it's hot.)
Most people will consider One Sexuality rather extreme, but is it really that different from "MC" as practiced by members of the Key Held blogs? For a lot of us, MC is not part of a Femdom or FLR arrangement. MC is just that -- Male Chastity, meaning no masturbation, no orgasm, with sex centered around her pleasure and her orgasm. And this might go on for weeks or months, or maybe even a year and beyond. Sometimes there is tease & denial, but in some MC relationships there is no T&D, and this is where the line with One Sexuality starts to blur.
I personally find the One Sexuality notion kind of romantic. Is it workable long term? Does the mere act of entertaining such a relationship, thinking that it can go beyond fantasy, mean that I'm just a wanabe wanker who has no grasp of reality?
It totally sucks that I wasn't paying attention in late 2007/early 2008 when Strictly Female was up, so I didn't get to read any of the blog. (I was a sleep deprived new parent at the time.) I did though recently come across some snippets on Saratoga's blog, here and here and here and here and here.
I'm reproducing them here, because, well, I'm obsessed. Please read Saratoga's entries for his inline comments.
First some highlights:
"I want the relationship to be about my sexuality only. I want to, in fact, have only one sexuality exist in our marriage. A female sexuality. My sexuality is what the entire relationship is about. If a sexuality is going to be explored, it is mine. If a sexuality is going to be pleasured, it is mine. If he wants to express his sexual feelings and frustrations and fantasies then he has to do it by expressing them through my sexual explorations. His constant sexual frustration simply doesn’t exist in our relationship. The feelings of frustration and constant arousal certainly exist in his body behind his chastity belt, but I refuse to allow them any expression in our marriage."
"I want my husband to feel my sexuality in his body and mind. When he is playing with me I want him to feel my pleasure. When I cum, I want him to feel the energy of my orgasm in his body and soul. I want him to clear his sexuality from his mind so mine can flow in and fill his body and soul.
I want to create a relationship in which only a female sexuality exists. I want my husband to release his sexuality and let mine fill his body and soul. My sexuality IS his sexuality. His pleasure comes from pleasuring and worshiping my body."
"When my husband sits between my legs and licks me, he is worshiping at the temple of this power and I teach him to let my female sexuality flow through him. When I cum, I want him to feel my ecstasy in his body. I want him to feel as one with my sexuality for that moment."
Wow. Who cares if it was a real blog? She can really write.
And as found on Saratoga's blog:
"I met a submissive man when I was in my early thirties and we saw each other for a little over a year before we got married. But, before we were married I made legal arrangements to my advantage and had my husband sign marriage vows spelling out in an open ended but binding way what I expected in our marriage. I wrote the vows to express and define what I expected of my submissive husband and what he could expect from me, his dominant wife.
In his vows, I wrote that he would promise to worship, serve and obey his wife while being denied any sexuality of his own, until death do us part. I promised to be his wife for as long as he worshiped, served and obeyed me and vowed to explore my sexuality freely and without limit while denying his."
"It takes a lot of conditioning and discipline (read whip) to reach this state of one sexuality. It takes a long time for a man to stop thinking only about how horny he feels. It takes a long time for a man to learn how to project his frustration into his female partner's body. But, it does eventually happen, because the chastity belt is relentless."
"He also has a very unusual stainless steel plug up his ass and locked in right now. I'm told the new design which has a longer shaft before it tapers out is much more easily tolerated and can be worn for more extended periods. The training plugs I got from them are huge for even my standards and there isn't anything even remotely close to medium in the whole kit. I really am not sure I will be able to work my poor little slut up to the largest plug or not. It might take a lot of nights strapped into the fucking machine to get him loose enough for the largest plug. But, what the heck, I ruined his poor little sphincter years ago. He is as loose as a porno star now."
"I finished my drink while I checked out the men watching me. I really wasn't wearing anything too unusual. I had on a black short leather mini skirt and black stockings. High black boots and a open front white blouse with a high collar. My blouse came down almost to the bottom of my skirt. My hair was up and I was wearing and playing with my glasses. I wasn't wearing anything that bad, just a little strict looking, maybe.
There is a certain kind of man that is so into this look and I can often spot them in a group like this. I'm always kind of looking for new prospects and I often men come up and give me their cards. But, I'm looking for that somewhat shy professional that can't top staring at me and often I have to approach him. That's the type of business card that I hunt for. I give the cards to Susan and she starts the ball rolling. You would be surprised how many of these submissive professional types will follow through when Susan calls and explains what she would expect of them.
Seeing no one interesting enough to entangle, I called my husband's cell and told him I was out front and hung up. I met him at the front desk and gave him a package and told him to go to the men's room, put it on and return to me quickly with the key. I smiled, told him to meet me in the bar and I walked off.
When he came into the bar he saw I was sitting at the bar patting the seat of the bar stool next to me. I saved him a nice, hard, wood stool. Of course, the purpose of sitting at the bar is that it forces him to sit right over the plug on the hard wood stool. Also, he can't squirm and be too obvious in the crowded bar or he will draw attention to his predicament. He comes over and kisses me and settles gently onto the stool. I smile deviously at him knowing that the plug is firmly pushed all the way into him."
"Just got back from a long drive from Toronto. My husband has been staying there for the last 7 weeks while I was away for a while staying with friends down in the state.
The new belt has worked so well that I have been able to keep him from even seeing his penis for over 5 months. He says he is having some mental issues that are making him worry because he is feeling brainwashed and is worried because he hasn't seen himself for so long. He thinks he is feeling disoriented. I just laugh at him. What did he think I was all about all of those years. I just never found the right chastity belt to do completely for me what this new belt does. It makes his sex go away."
"The most cruel and devious thing I do to my husband is that I let Adonis fuck his ass while Susan and I go upstairs to unwind. I figure Adonis fucked me. I want my husband to be totally in sync with how I feel. He really does hate this because he is no queer and it really fucks with his head. But, that is one of the prices I exact from him when I think he needs it."
"So we drove to Toronto 7 weeks ago so they could take the rivets out. This is where they originally put this belt on him over the last summer. I told him we could go back to Toronto to have the belt removed. What I didn't tell him was that it was going to be removed because I wanted to see if they would try a new and better belt my friend told me they had designed. So, I left him up there with my friend at The House so he could be fitted. They had him for 7 weeks of pure hell. I also had some work done on his tattoo which runs under his crotch and up his back. Such a thing can ever be finished. And, while he was there they did another laser hair removal on him. For those of you reading this that have your slut in a belt, it is that time of year to wax and shave him for the winter. I gave up on that a long time ago and had laser hair removal done on my slave, but it has to be done over many times and I don't know if it is ever 100% forever. But, I would say that he is at about 97% after probably 8-10 sessions over the years."
"I can tell you from experience that when a person is kept in a chastity belt and is not allowed any physical expression of their sexuality, not even verbal expression, they become very obsessed with the one that controls them. This is the state that I plan on keeping my husband in for a very long time. This is the power and the energy and the magic that is created in our marriage.
When my husband sits between my legs and licks me, he is worshiping at the temple of this power and I teach him to let my female sexuality flow through him. When I cum, I want him to feel my ecstasy in his body. I want him to feel as one with my sexuality for that moment."
"But, I do want to say that if you don't believe this, then wear a chastity belt month after month and when your Mistress walks into the room clad in leather wearing high boot with a whip in her hand, then try and tell me that you can't feel her sexuality and the power she has over you. Then try and tell me that you don't want to only please her and to feel her sexuality fill your body and mind completely. Then try and tell me that when you make her cum that you don't feel her ecstasy. Then, you will understand why my husband is obsessed with the unrestricted exploration of my sexuality while I deny him his."
"When I walk into the room I want them to feel my sexuality fill every inch of it. I want my partners to clear their minds of their sexual needs and desires and concentrate on my sexuality. I want them to meditate on my sexuality and bring it into their bodies and feel it with me.
I want my husband to feel my sexuality in his body and mind. When he is playing with me I want him to feel my pleasure. When I cum, I want him to feel the energy of my orgasm in his body and soul. I want him to clear his sexuality from his mind so mine can flow in and fill his body and soul.
I want to create a relationship in which only a female sexuality exists. I want my husband to release his sexuality and let mine fill his body and soul. My sexuality IS his sexuality. His pleasure comes from pleasuring and worshiping my body.
Why not let go of your own sexuality and let the woman's sexuality fill your mind, body and soul. Serve her sexuality and let the ecstasy of female sexuality fill your body and mind."
"I simply don't want my husband masturbating behind my back in our marriage. Why is that such a big deal? Again, I would think that it was obvious for any relationship.
As far as denying him orgasms, since I don't allow him to masturbate in our marriage, then his orgasms have to happen when we are together, as it should be in any relationship. Except, unfortunately for him, I don't believe at all in allowing men to cum. I believe relationships are much better for a lot of reasons when the man is made to remain chaste and is not allowed to cum. I believe that chastity makes for a strong close relationship and I require it of my husband even when he has to be out of the belt."
"I love to give him inspiration to obey me by punishing him often. Sometime I get in the habit of punishing him every day. Soon as he walks through the door I'll have him strip and follow me. I'll strap him down and start spanking him with my strap. I lecture him on being a good slave and the importance of jumping when I demand something. I'll squeeze his balls while I lecture and a lot of the time I tie them up and stretch them out. I also love to slap them and make them sore.
And the last entry:
So sad.
"I love to give him inspiration to obey me by punishing him often. Sometime I get in the habit of punishing him every day. Soon as he walks through the door I'll have him strip and follow me. I'll strap him down and start spanking him with my strap. I lecture him on being a good slave and the importance of jumping when I demand something. I'll squeeze his balls while I lecture and a lot of the time I tie them up and stretch them out. I also love to slap them and make them sore.
My new favorite punishment is ball kicking. Kicking him in the balls has become a specialty of mine ever since I saw Isabella Sinclaire do it on a DVD. My husband hates this punishment worse than the strap. I hang him with his hands over his head and put a spreader bar between his legs. I stand in front of him in my high heels or boots and stare into his eyes. ....... It is fun to toy with him and ....... Then, snap... right between his legs I can plant the top of my foot, crushing into his balls. All the while I'm looking right in his eyes.
Then I want to hear my favorite words. Thank you. And then I make him use my second favorite word...please. As in please Mistress would you please kick me in the balls again. When I tire of this I make him beg me to strap him. When he can't take the strap blows anymore I make him beg me to stop. But, he knows that it will mean that I'm going to kick him in the balls for being such a weak slave and not being able to take more. This might even earn him the chance to beg for nipple clamps.
Hope this gives some key-holding Mistress an idea of what discipline means. Not a very fun scene even if you're into pain. It gets old pretty fast when your balls ache and your ass is being spanked with a strap. It does train a great slave for service though. It makes for a very obedient slave."
And the last entry:
"Because of the unwanted comments I am getting (I moderate them), I'm going to go to by invitation only. I actually can't believe some of the comments I have gotten by what should be open minded people who turn out to be the most sanctimonious and closed minded and judgmental of all. I have even read comments about this blog on other blogs! This blog was mostly done at the suggestion of a friend and was for several people that know me. So, I guess it will be kept that way.
Its just a chastity belt,
B"
So sad.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Keys held
It's taken months and months, but Lucy's finally taken the keys. The delay has been all mine; it's taken me since early August to work through all the comfort issues with having your genitals under lock and key. I had been steadily wearing the Steelheart for longer and longer periods, and while there's still occasional discomfort, I decided it was time to stop fooling around -- unless I no longer had the keys I was always going to take off the device any time it inconvenienced me.
We had discussed her taking the keys last Monday night, after I had spent most of the weekend locked up, except for a few hours Sunday afternoon when we went into Boston to see the lights. I checked where we kept the keys a few times on Tuesday and was starting to think that she had forgotten. I got butterflies when I discovered they were indeed gone. Chances are good she might keep them for awhile too as I've seem to have adjusted pretty well to the Steelheart.
It's been only four days, but as is usually the case, the reality of wearing a device 24/7 that you can't take off on a whim is quite different from the fantasy. Lucy asked me last night how it was going. I told her I wish I was only aware of the device when I was horny. She got a little laugh out of that.
We had discussed her taking the keys last Monday night, after I had spent most of the weekend locked up, except for a few hours Sunday afternoon when we went into Boston to see the lights. I checked where we kept the keys a few times on Tuesday and was starting to think that she had forgotten. I got butterflies when I discovered they were indeed gone. Chances are good she might keep them for awhile too as I've seem to have adjusted pretty well to the Steelheart.
It's been only four days, but as is usually the case, the reality of wearing a device 24/7 that you can't take off on a whim is quite different from the fantasy. Lucy asked me last night how it was going. I told her I wish I was only aware of the device when I was horny. She got a little laugh out of that.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
P8W
Who knew the ISO had a duration format?
import org.joda.time.DateMidnight;
import org.joda.time.Weeks;
public class DaysSinceRelease {
public static void main(String[] args) {
DateMidnight lastRelease = new DateMidnight(2010, 10, 17);
DateMidnight today = new DateMidnight();
Weeks weeks = Weeks.weeksBetween(lastRelease, today);
System.out.format("Weeks since last release: %s\n", weeks);
}
}
Weeks since last release: P8W
Monday, December 13, 2010
Recalibrating
"Why do I have to lock you up to get respect and love? Why do I have to change [and be kinky] for you to love me?"
Whenever we fight about my kinks, the above always comes up, year in and year out. It occurred to me this weekend though, that perhaps we finally have the tool to address this issue, and it's been staring me in the face: Maymay's relationship stack, which Thumper talked about here.
Our love for each other is rooted at the friend, lover, and spouse level. The chastity play comes from this love, and not the other way around. Viewed this way, keeping me locked up is akin to her giving me hand job, or a blow job, or any thing else she's ever done for me sexually. It's just another way to be intimate, and any other effect it has, like making me behave like a teenager experiencing his first love when I'm around her, is just a super-bonus.
I'm not sure she quite buys it, but it's a start. And it doesn't really change anything, as I'm still kinky and she's not, but I'm perfectly fine doing a little mental jujitsu to get to my happy place.
"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. ... . After nine years, you know what I realize?
Ignorance is bliss."
Whenever we fight about my kinks, the above always comes up, year in and year out. It occurred to me this weekend though, that perhaps we finally have the tool to address this issue, and it's been staring me in the face: Maymay's relationship stack, which Thumper talked about here.
Our love for each other is rooted at the friend, lover, and spouse level. The chastity play comes from this love, and not the other way around. Viewed this way, keeping me locked up is akin to her giving me hand job, or a blow job, or any thing else she's ever done for me sexually. It's just another way to be intimate, and any other effect it has, like making me behave like a teenager experiencing his first love when I'm around her, is just a super-bonus.
I'm not sure she quite buys it, but it's a start. And it doesn't really change anything, as I'm still kinky and she's not, but I'm perfectly fine doing a little mental jujitsu to get to my happy place.
"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. ... . After nine years, you know what I realize?
Ignorance is bliss."
Saturday, December 11, 2010
That went well
You could really see it coming, actually, looking at the last post. When I start focusing on what I want, things tend to fall apart. And it's not even about wanting sex, because she actually was in the mood. We were well on our way to another good Friday night, with a hot bath, massage, and who knows what else.
But I threw a wrench in it.
Every so often I get needy for her to accept me exactly as am, kink and all. Things have been going so well that I thought surely she had new perspective on our relationship, that she loves me not despite my kinkiness, but because of it. The realization that she probably never will sent me into a tailspin and left me a wreck in the bathroom, feeling a universe away from where she laid sleeping one wall over.
Due reasons that are not relevant here, we currently have no mirrors up, and it's a good thing, because I'm not sure I could stand looking at myself at the moment. Self pity is so fucking unbecoming.
It was only later that I realize it cuts both ways, like most things do: I love her despite the fact that she's not the least bit kinky. Fuck it.
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