Keys held

It's taken months and months, but Lucy's finally taken the keys. The delay has been all mine; it's taken me since early August to work through all the comfort issues with having your genitals under lock and key. I had been steadily wearing the Steelheart for longer and longer periods, and while there's still occasional discomfort, I decided it was time to stop fooling around -- unless I no longer had the keys I was always going to take off the device any time it inconvenienced me.

We had discussed her taking the keys last Monday night, after I had spent most of the weekend locked up, except for a few hours Sunday afternoon when we went into Boston to see the lights. I checked where we kept the keys a few times on Tuesday and was starting to think that she had forgotten. I got butterflies when I discovered they were indeed gone. Chances are good she might keep them for awhile too as I've seem to have adjusted pretty well to the Steelheart.

It's been only four days, but as is usually the case, the reality of wearing a device 24/7 that you can't take off on a whim is quite different from the fantasy. Lucy asked me last night how it was going. I told her I wish I was only aware of the device when I was horny. She got a little laugh out of that.

P8W

Who knew the ISO had a duration format?

import org.joda.time.DateMidnight;
import org.joda.time.Weeks;
public class DaysSinceRelease {
    public static void main(String[] args) {
        DateMidnight lastRelease = new DateMidnight(2010, 10, 17);
        DateMidnight today = new DateMidnight();
        Weeks weeks = Weeks.weeksBetween(lastRelease, today);
        System.out.format("Weeks since last release: %s\n", weeks);
    }
}

Weeks since last release: P8W

Recalibrating

"Why do I have to lock you up to get respect and love? Why do I have to change [and be kinky] for you to love me?"

Whenever we fight about my kinks, the above always comes up, year in and year out. It occurred to me this weekend though, that perhaps we finally have the tool to address this issue, and it's been staring me in the face: Maymay's relationship stack, which Thumper talked about here.

Our love for each other is rooted at the friend, lover, and spouse level. The chastity play comes from this love, and not the other way around. Viewed this way, keeping me locked up is akin to her giving me hand job, or a blow job, or any thing else she's ever done for me sexually. It's just another way to be intimate, and any other effect it has, like making me behave like a teenager experiencing his first love when I'm around her, is just a super-bonus.

I'm not sure she quite buys it, but it's a start. And it doesn't really change anything, as I'm still kinky and she's not, but I'm perfectly fine doing a little mental jujitsu to get to my happy place.

"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. ... . After nine years, you know what I realize?

Ignorance is bliss."

That went well

You could really see it coming, actually, looking at the last post. When I start focusing on what I want, things tend to fall apart. And it's not even about wanting sex, because she actually was in the mood. We were well on our way to another good Friday night, with a hot bath, massage, and who knows what else. 

But I threw a wrench in it. 

Every so often I get needy for her to accept me exactly as am, kink and all. Things have been going so well that I thought surely she had new perspective on our relationship, that she loves me not despite my kinkiness, but because of it. The realization that she probably never will sent me into a tailspin and left me a wreck in the bathroom, feeling a universe away from where she laid sleeping one wall over.

Due reasons that are not relevant here, we currently have no mirrors up, and it's a good thing, because I'm not sure I could stand looking at myself at the moment. Self pity is so fucking unbecoming. 

It was only later that I realize it cuts both ways, like most things do: I love her despite the fact that she's not the least bit kinky. Fuck it.

Instant Gratification

I'm having this ridiculous urge to turn the keys over to Lucy, even though I just switched to the tighter 42mm ring yesterday morning.  I want her to take the keys and tell me to suck it up, and not let me out unless I'm raw and bleeding. I want to be out of mind with desperation at having my cock locked up and inaccessible.

Of course, the reality is that I can trivially pull out and jerk off anytime I want, so the Steelheart is largely symbolic. Yes, I understand that on some level, any chastity device is largely symbolic, but let's not go there. A foolproof way to prevent pull-out is good enough for me, and that means a piercing, which I don't have. And even if I could get a piercing, there's still the wait while it heals.

Patience, patience, patience. This whole thing is about patience. Waiting for your wife to see the benefit of keeping you chaste. Waiting for her to come around to the device. Waiting for the next time you can lick her pussy. Waiting for her to change her mind and let you worship her asshole. No more patience! Instant gratification dammit! Instant nasty gratification.

Normally, at this point, I'd just go beat off. I really hope she's in the mood tonight...

It's so so good

"Can I get you off tonight?"

She looked particularly hot in her bathrobe and just-prescribed reading glasses. Not only hot, but radiant, and happy. And reading glasses are just so new and sexy on her. We just had a great weekend hosting friends we hadn't seen in years. I have to say I was the model husband, taking care of the cooking, and even looking after the kids so she could go out to dinner and catch up with her girlfriend. It was something any good husband would do for his wife. Still, these were points, and I wanted to cash in, even though I just had some (or rather, she just had some) Friday night to start the weekend.

"Sure."

Damn, but it never hurts to ask! This is why chastity works for us: I feel good, she feels good, we're both happy, and she wants it.

So I quickly turned off the TV (Jets/Patriots or pussy worship... no contest) and followed her upstairs, cock already straining against the Steelheart. I stripped and saw she noticed the SH, but she didn't say anything. I don't think the SH does anything for her, but if it makes me happy and she gets an ultra attentive husband out of it, then she's more than willing to go along.

I was all over her, but it was clear she didn't want a lot of foreplay. That's the other new development: wham-bam-thank-you-sir seems to be how she likes it now. I'm not sure if that's because she doesn't know what to do with me without a cock or because we're constantly necking and groping now throughout the day, or because on top of all that touching we have frequent pure body worship sessions where her pussy is off limits and it's all foreplay. Or because she really seems to have taken to heart that I get my pleasure from giving her pleasure. Probably a combination of all of the above. She might be taking that last bit a little too far though, as the physical sex has been completely one way. Just a little teeny weensy bit of stimulation would be welcomed. But this is definitely a want, not a need, and I'm not going to try and change the rules now. Besides, she likes this dynamic, and that is just so hot.

But when she rushes things, I get a little insecure.

"You're not just letting me get you off for my benefit, are you?"

"Just shut the fuck up and get to it."

Ok, she didn't say exactly that, as she's much too nice, but that was definitely the sentiment.

So I get on my knees on the floor, my mouth at the level of her pussy as she stretches back on the bed, hands clasped behind her neck, thighs spread wide, wantonly naked and exposed, letting me drink her in. I can usually bring her to orgasm pretty quickly, but tonight, she takes forever. She never stops moaning her pleasure though, so I keep going. I can never get enough of her pussy. I love the way she tastes, I love the way she smells, I love the way her hips buckle as she grinds her way into my mouth. It goes on long enough that the SH gets seriously painful. Erections in the SH are uncomfortable, hour-long hard-as-rock erections are excruciating.

I keep my mouth on her pussy and work her clit hard with my tongue and bring her to a huge orgasm. Afterward, I spoon her and rub her back as she drifts off to sleep, my metal confined cock aching to feel the warmth of her pussy, inches away.

I haven't come since October 17th. We had agreed I wouldn't come again until January 1st, and maybe not even then. But at that instant I truthfully wanted to stretch out the moment forever.

As if it's real

I once had a beautiful girl who wanted to beat me. I remember one afternoon when we were just lounging around the house when she out of the blue said, "Let me beat you, I really want to beat you." I turned her down. Can you imagine that? Didn't she know there were protocols to follow, and that you can't just grab somebody while they're in the middle of a book and just beat them?  She also liked to locked me up in a dog crate that we had. But that didn't work for me because she giggled through the whole thing. Dommes don't giggle. God I was such a shit. Kink didn't come naturally to her, but she tried, because she loved me. I on the other hand couldn't stand being patronized, I wasn't some sort of charity case. Because she wanted to accommodate my kink out of love, it wasn't real, and I would have none of it.

Years later and I am married to that beautiful girl. She still does a lot of things for me out of nothing more than love. Nothing more than love. I finally appreciate that beautiful girl and regret almost chasing her away, and I'm glad she's back to give me another chance.

Up and down

My Steelheart arrived last week and it's just the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I love the way it feels on my body, I love heft, the grip, the solid chunk of metal between my legs. And I love it that it's there all the time. Shiny!

My wife Lucy, however, didn't do any back flips over the device. It didn't even seem to rate a golf clap. This is someone whom I think of as my other half, and she just had an experience so different from mine about something that is so important to me. Well, it sent me into a funk. Couple this with a two week dry spell in our sex life that I thought was just so typical of her priorities -- when things get a little stressed with family life or with work, sex is the first thing that goes. She doesn't seem find solace in sex, and this is something that I find hard to understand. When the world closes in, why doesn't she find comfort in the intense intimacy that comes from being naked, wrapped around one another, skin-on-skin?

With chastity though, if you honor the idea that she has control over your sex life, it makes you talk, as there's no "fuck it, I don't need her." And that's what we did, talk, and even though voices were raised and I got a little hysterical at times, it was a talk, not a fight. And the next morning we both felt much better. We didn't really resolve anything, but having brought our differences into sharp relief (once again), we can see around the differences for the person we love. She woke me up by gently touching and squeezing my hand. We kissed deeply, connected, and I was back in the zone.

The story continues

I've been thinking about what happened last night with Lucy's non-reaction to this blog.

First off: what was I thinking? I had just finished a 16 hour day and I was exhausted. She had the kids all day and she was exhausted. We were mindlessly watching a crappy game and I should just have left it at that. The timing was just stupid. 

Secondly: I can take being slapped down, but the indifference really bothered me. In our relationship, I'm the emotional one, with my heart on my sleeves, and she's the stoic. When we fight, I'm the one screaming, "Say something! Anything!" and she's the one who walks off. So I get defensive whenever I think she's retreated behind her wall. But in this case, I had mistaken exhaustion for indifference. How do I know this? Because I asked her tonight, when we were both slightly more rested, and she was relaxing out naked after a hot bath, and I was idly applying moisturizer to her oh-so-luscious curves.

"So how come you stopped reading after that [entry]?"

"I thought that was it, there's more?"

Now, I do post rather infrequently, but that did make me feel like an idiot.

"It's not that I don't like your blog, but I don't follow blogs, period."

And she's right. She doesn't follow any parenting blogs, or cooking blogs, or photo blogs, so why would it be any different with a chastity blog?

"It's not just any blog though," I say. "It's another channel of communication for us."

"I can see that. Tomorrow, I'll read the rest, OK?"

Okie-dokey.

I love Lucy

But she apparently doesn't much care about the blog. I've never kept the blog a secret from my wife Lucy, but she's never once asked to read it. I finally asked her outright if she wanted to read it and she said yes. So tonight, during a rather one-sided Redskin/Phillies game, I turned on private browsing and pointed her browser at the blog. She got as far as "Pretty Nice Night" but wasn't inclined to read any further. She wasn't inclined to discuss it either. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Granted, it's hardly above mindless navel gazing, but I figure if there's one person who cares about what I write here, it would be my wife. I guess I was hoping for some recognition that the blog reflected some truths about our relationship, but I think it just made her uncomfortable. Is this just me pushing again? Trying for the millionth time to top from the bottom?

Steelheart imminent

As I mentioned over on Chastity Forums, I have a Steelworxx Steelheart coming!
I agonized over the total length, but after going back and forth with Steelworxx, I settled on 85mm, which will be a little longer than the troublesome CB-6000s that I currently wear on and off. What finally convinced me to go shorter rather than longer was Dev's observation that you're flaccid most of the time, so why optimize for comfort when erect? It made sense, but it contradicted with Thumper's sizing of his own Steelheart (though I know he's currently thinking of a smaller tube -- the question is how much smaller) so I was/am a tad worry.

In the end I went for 85mm total length, 35mm tube diameter, both a 42 and 45mm A ring, the comfort ring on the tube, the integrated lock ... and the PA fixing. I considered the 40mm ring, but it just looked too damn small. Seeing as how I'm currently bouncing between 1 3/4" and 1 7/8" with the CB-6000s, 42mm seemed much more likely.

I'm crossing my fingers that metal will be much more comfortable. And I'm totally jumping the gun on the PA fixing, seeing that I don't have a PA yet. But now I have to get one. I keep putting it off for some stupid reason.

Make-up sex

The week didn't start all that well. I hadn't orgasm in about two weeks, she had set expectations for sex that didn't materialize, I slipped into an old pattern of anger and resentment, she got defensive, and it blew up from there.

Me: "You always ignore me. Sex is at the bottom of your priority list."

Her: "We do fine for awhile and you go back to pressuring me. You're basically accusing me of being frigid."

I woke up the next morning realizing what a dick I had been. We talked. I apologized. She was doing exactly what we had agree to, putting her needs before mine, and I couldn't handle it. We had been intimate for several nights prior, with me massaging and caressing her body, but no oral sex -- she thought she was providing exactly what I needed, and she was right. The whole "please me" thing wasn't really working for her -- it was another one of my ideas that she felt she had to live up to.

The talk put us back on track and that night, after a hot bath, and a head-to-toe massage, I nuzzled her neck and asked her if she wanted to come. As an answer, she drew up her knees and spread her legs open, guiding my mouth to where she wanted it, and where I desperately wanted to be.

Two nights later, we did it again, and tonight we did it a third time. Evidently male chastity leads to week-long make-up sex. Right now, I couldn't care less if I never came again.

Pleasure me

My wife has really been enjoying her new bath tub. She had a long soak tonight while watching Weeds and The Big C. Yes, I did run her bath, set up her laptop for Slingbox streaming, and fetched her a glass of wine. Afterward, she laid on the bed naked, blissfully content, while I lotioned her front and back and massaged her feet. When I finished I had a huge wet spot on my boxers. I really wanted to go down on her but had to settle just for a few kisses on her pussy lips.

We've been having a lot of these sessions -- Saturday, Sunday, Monday and tonight by last count. Sometimes they end with my head between her thighs driving her to orgasm and sometimes it's all about the touching, like tonight. This frequency of intimacy was rare as recently as two months ago. We're definitely getting our groove back.

I've always felt a little awkward asking to give oral sex though, so we talked a little bit about this. She was actually OK with me asking, as long I stopped pressing when she said no -- no meant no. But from now on, at my suggestion, we're going to try something that could be really hot: I'm not to ask at all. If she wants oral sex, she's going to say "pleasure me."

Mad at cookies

Little butter cookies with orange icing on top. I was raging earlier tonight because after we put the kids in bed, my wife spent the rest of the evening baking cookies for my son's preschool Halloween party. I know how draining it is to take care of kids all day, and I try and go out of my way to giver her time to relax, and what does she do? She volunteers to bake cookies. And I had been hoping for a romp in the hay, as it's been a while due to various real life stuff, including her time of the month.

But a funny thing happened. Even though I was a little peeved, I still wanted her badly. I gave her a hug, kissed her neck, she responded, we made out briefly in the kitchen and all was right. We even talked a little, and I understood a little that she wanted to bake cookies.

And tonight, as she was about to go to bed, she came downstairs to check to see if I was locked. I wasn't, because contrary to my last post, I'm still having device issues. The honor system SUCKS.

We made out a little bit more.

"I hope this chastity thing works out."

"Me too."

"I can be kinky and happy, and you can be... happy."

We even shared a cookie; one less for the little beasts.

Tenative lift off

After 10+ frustrating and occasionally painful weeks I seem to have finally turned the corner, and I'm on my way to beating the CB into submission. More likely, it's the other way around and my body is finally starting to adapt, but I can repeatedly wear the device for 48 hours without any sores or nasty welts appearing. I can't say there's been a magic bullet, except perhaps avoiding Cyclopentasiloxane (I've settled on plain old baby oil, used sparingly). I've done things like sanding down the square edges of the A-ring, and I'm sure that helped, but I think it mostly comes down to persistence: you just have to wear it as much as you can.

Pretty Nice Night

"Pretty nice night." That's the last thing she whispered as she drifted off to sleep.

Earlier in the day I had texted her,  "I need to give you a full body massage and maybe more tonight. What do you want for dinner?" To which she replied, "Sounds very nice - or naughty. Surprise me with dinner :)"

It had been raining all day: stew weather. So I browned some beef, threw in some potatoes, onions and peas, plus a bottle of Vermont Long Trail Ale. A loaf of bread and a decent Shiraz rounded out the meal. And I had it all waiting for her when she got home. The kids almost blew it though, refusing to eat the stew (ok, maybe that beer wasn't such a good idea), making for a very stressful dinner. By the time we packed them off to bed we were both wiped and I was sure she just wanted to sleep, but she remembered the massage offer!

I started with her neck, worked my way down her back, lingering at her gorgeous ass, before moving on to her feet, all the while whispering into her ears my love for her. I had her turn over and then worked my way back up, caressing her legs, her tummy, her breasts and finished it off with a face and scalp massage. God, I love the way her skin feels under my hand. I love her little purrs of satisfaction as I gently kissed her back.  And one point I was straddling her stomach, both hands stroking her breasts, gazing at her nakedness, and it struck me how completely at ease we were with each other, that divine intimacy.

By the time I was done, I wasn't sure she wanted the "maybe more" as she seemed pretty blissed out. But my hornyness got the best of me and I wheedled the chance to lick her pussy while she drifted off to sleep. I promised I would go really slow and gentle. This is something that I've always wanted to do, but she's always said no until now. As usual, the reality doesn't match up with the fantasy. Just how does a woman recline in bed so that she can sleep while at the same time position her pussy for licking? Having her bum on a pillow will put the objective in reach, but having your bum above the level of your head is hardly good for sleep.

Anyway, after some awkward fumbling around not being able to see a thing, I was about to give up, when out of the blue she said, "I'm getting turned on." Hit me with a knotted whip, I had read her fidgeting all wrong! So I rearranged myself between her legs and dove back in. I held the entire length of my tongue against her pussy, going much slower than I usually do. I did everything at a much gentler pace, as if I was really trying to put her to sleep. It drove her wild, and after much nibbling, and blowing, and probing, she was bucking her hips against my mouth, driving her pussy into my face, her love juices dripping. I felt her steadily tense up, the rhythm of her hips steadily increasing as she went over the top. It was an amazing orgasm, long, and deep, and satisfying. After that she rolled over and drifted off to sleep, leaving me also strangely satisfied even though all I did all night was leak a copious amount of pre-cum.

Pretty nice night...

A good day

No, I didn't make it. Last Sunday we made love and then I wormed my way into a hand-job. After 16 days without an orgasm, you'd think it would have been mind blowing. But it wasn't. Not sure why. I came a lot, but I've had much stronger orgasms. Just to see, I wanked the next day, and sure enough, it was great. And the next day, and the next day, and ... well, you get the idea.

Masturbation felt great, but it made me a bitch to be around, and not the good kind of bitch either. So I stopped a few days ago (with no help from the fucking sore-inducing device, I might add).

This morning we snuck away for a bit of intimacy, and it was fabulous. Lots of necking, hugging, back rubs, ending with me happily licking her to an orgasm.

Orgasms

Ok, this is where I tell you I've been locked up for months with no orgasms and no "milking." Uh... no. Maybe one day.

The truth is that my last orgasm was on Sept. 9th. Two days later, in the heat of passion I agreed to not cum again for three weeks. And so far, that's the way it's been, even though I'm only in the device about 50% of the time, due to sores developing and such. Chastity without a device is just not very compelling. I freely admit I have a chastity device fetish.

I've definitely not gone this long without an orgasm since I hit puberty. Surprisingly, for a guy who usually wanks once or twice a day, it's been easier than I thought. I haven't felt that burning desperate desire to cum. At around 10 or 14 days I definitely wanted to, but it wasn't all that desperate. I wonder how long would it take?

Slow Learning

The other night my wife came downstairs after putting her kid to bed (we have two, we tag team) and said, "would you mine if I have drink and watch Project Runway?" I was sitting on the couch in some discomfort, having just locked myself into the CB-6000S (the first hour is always kind of painful for me). I mumbled "Sure," but in my head I was thinking she should have just sat down, put on Project Runway (which she knows I hate) and told me to go fetch her a drink. Worse yet, I didn't even get off my ass. But at least I didn't say what was in my head.

Last night, I made sure to clean up and then when she came down, I told her to sit down and relax and asked her if I could get her anything to drink. Do, don't think. Much better.

Breaking In

I'm trying to get to the point where I can wear the CB-6000S pretty much all time time. I only got it a month ago, and wearing it has been really tough. I'm trying to go slow, but still managed to develop some sores along the A-ring. This has happened twice already, with the last time three nights ago. I've not worn the device since, but this morning things seemed to have healed up, so I'm back to trying again. What I've found out is that the first day or so is excruciating, and then I sort of adapt. I remove it every once in awhile when it's too much and after five days or so of almost continuous wear, it's almost bearable. And then sores happen and I have to take it off for few days. I'm cursed with a high and tight ball sack so until it stretches, it appears I'll just have put up with the discomfort.

For this iteration, I'm going to be super careful, and hopefully avoid the sores.

Last Chance

I'm that most ubiquitous and sorry creature in the femdom blogosphere: the would-be male sub married to a vanilla wife. In my defense, I did come completely clean to my future spouse early in our relationship before we got engaged. But like young twenty-something fools, we went ahead and got married anyway. I thought I could make it work, but damn, it's been difficult. However, we just celebrated our 15th anniversary so we must be compatible on some level (surely).

As the title of this blog indicates, I'll be talking about my fixation on chastity. I view this is as my last chance to make something out of this aspect of my life. But strangely enough, my hard-won maturity also says I need to be somewhat flip and irreverent in my approach (again, the title of the blog). I need to care, but not too much.